Masonic Jokes Page
If you would like to submit any new jokes to be placed on this page I am sure the brethren who visit will be very pleased to use them.
A postman, on his route, picked up a letter from a mailbox that was addressed to God. The postman seeing that the letter was not sealed, and there being no postage on it, opened and read it.
It was from a man who was down on his luck and was asking God for help. The letter asked for $50 to get his family through the next week.
The postman, being a Mason, took the letter to Lodge that evening, read it, and asked for donations for the unfortunate fellow. The Masons, wanting to help, took up a collection, and received twentny five dollars from the brethren. The Secretary placed the cash in a Lodge envelope, and gave it to the postman to deliver the following day, which he did.
Another day passed, and the postman again found an unsealed letter in the mailbox addressed to God. Again he opened and read the letter, which thanked God for the money, but instructed him to send it through the Knights of Columbus next time as the Masons kept half.
"But I don't work Sundays! Can't it wait until tomorrow." The Doctor said. "I don't like working Sundays either but if you were in trouble, and felt unwell, Brother I would come round to see you"
"OK" says the Plumber and goes round to the Doctor. Goes upstairs and looks at the toilet, take two aspirins from his pocket and throws them down the bowl. "There" he says "If it's no better tomorrow give me a ring and I will call round."
"What's going on?" he asks a spectator watching from the side-lines.
The other replies "It's a match between the Masons and the Knights of Columbus."
"What's the score?" asks the first man.
"I don't know, it's a secret."
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the
Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?"
John gives a quick look and whispers: "You remember the installation meeting last year ?"
Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely woman. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told my wife I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !"
A policeman stops him and asks: Where are you going in that condition?
Man: II'mm on mmyy waayyy to a lectttuurre on FFreemmassonnrrry.
Officer: Where can you possibly get a lecture on Freemasonry at this time of night?
Man: Frromm mmyy wifffe, wwhenn I gget homme!
While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TILED room in the house"....
Joke 2:
A small Lodge had a string of bad luck. It was preparing to initiate a candidate on a steamy evening in June and it's air conditioner had stopped working. After sweating their way through part of the work, the Master had asked the candidate what he most desired.
The candidate replied "a beer".
At this juncture the WM., being startled, whispered "light" to the candidate.
"OK," the candidate replied, "a lite beer."
Joke 3:
A Candidate for initiation was to be picked up and driven to the Lodge, but before this could happen the car broke down. The Candidate said as it was no great distance he would go on his bicycle.
Just when he reached the top of the hill his chain broke. As the Lodge was at the bottom of the other side and all he needed was a backpedal brake, so he repaired the chain with a cord he had in his pocket and free-wheeled downhill to the Lodge.
Later that evening in reply to a toast in his honor, he said how proud he was to be a Freemason but could not understand, as he had told no one, how the WM knew that he had come on his own free wheel and a cord.
Joke 4:
How many Masons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to read the minutes from the previous changing, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't how they used to change bulbs in his day.
Joke 5:
It was a great tragedy when the Lodge burned to the ground. The brothers were having a new lodge built, but in the interim, they had no place to go for regular meetings or degree work. One of the brothers owned a hotel and figured they could use the conference room in his hotel for their meetings. They agreed and met there regularly. Four months pass and a traveling salesman is passing through town and decides to stay at the hotel. As luck would have it, he was checking in on one of the lodge meeting nights. He spied the men in white aprons filing into the conference room and asked the deskclerk, "I say, are those freemasons?" The clerk replied that they were and explained about the lodge burning down and the subsequent use of the hotel for meetings. "Well, said the salesman, "I've been thinking about joining. Do you think it's hard to do so?" The clerk shrugged, "I'd say it's pretty tough. You see that guy standing by the door with a sword? Well, he's been knocking on that door for four months now and they still won't let him in."
Joke 6:
Bob and Bill were brother masons and great friends for most of their lives. They had always maintained that when one of them passed on to that Grand Lodge above, he would attempt to make contact with the other and tell him all about what heaven was like. As it happpend, Bill went first. One night Bob is just drifting off to sleep when he hears Bill's voice calling to him.
"Is that you, Bill?
"Yes, Bob. I am honoring our agreement."
"Oh, my, what's it like," Bob asked with some anticipation.
"It's like nothing you could ever imagine. The lodge here is fantastic, better than any lodge we ever saw on Earth. The meetings are always well attended, the ritual is letter perfect, the friendfhip nights always have tons of new people just itching to join, and the spirit of fellowship blankets the place."
Bob's eyes tear up. "Oh, my, it's just like we'd hoped. I'm so happy for you. But I have to ask, during all of that, you didn't really seem all that excited. What's wrong?"
"Well, I do have some good news and some bad. The good is that we're raising a fellow to the third degree next Wednesday."
"That's fantastic. What's the bad news?"
"You've been marked down to be the Senior Deacon."
Joke 7:
A man convicted of murder is about to be executed. He stands in front of the electric chair and stares down at what will end his life. The state executioner asks him if he has any last words. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "Yes, I hate all Masons."
The state's executioner wasn't expecting something so simple and just has to ask, "Why do you hate all Masons?"
"Well, the man I killed was a Mason. The sheriff who arrested me was a Mason. The prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason. The jury who convicted me and sentenced me to die were all Masons. And the judge who passed the sentence was a Mason."
The state executioner nods. "That's a good enough reason, I guess. Are you finished?"
"I am."
The executioner gestures, "Then advance one step with your left foot..."
Joke 8:
A new member is getting phone calls several times a week to show up for various activites, weed pulling, painting, community awareness, ritual practice, etc. He is always there when they need him.
His wife finally says to him, "ever sinced you joined that lodge you go running every time the Master calls; I wish I was a Master".
Then man thinks for a moment and then tells her, "So do I; we get a new one every year".
This bloke was pulled up for speeding 120 mile an hour on the motorway from a police patrol woman, she says to the man, in a hurry are we, he thinks quick and replies I am late for work. Have you got your driving license please, he says I don't have one, she a bit amazed asks his name, cannot tell you, your have insurance, I don't believe in insurance a total waist these days. She then walks around the car sees the tax disc displayed, I see you are taxed, that's nothing, I suppose you'll want to see the gun in the glove compartment, she nearly had a fit and was about to look in the glove compartment, when he says to her that's nothing I have a dead body in the boot. Straight away she now thinks this is looking like a feather in my cap and phones her Superintendent up and tells him all about this bloke and with this gun in the glove compartment and a dead body in the boot, in no time there was squad cars, marksmen, road blocks you name it, and the press and Television cameras.
The Superintendant came up and said step aside I will handle this, the Superintendant see's the car is taxed, looks at the woman copper with a angry look on his face, he asks the bloke what's your name, the bloke tells him his name Geoff Dodsworth, Superintendent looks at the woman copper, and then asks for his license and documents, insurance each time the Superintendant is looking at this woman copper even more angrly, goes to look in the glove compartment nothing in it, at this point he was looking even more desperatly angrly, as the Superintendent is approaching the boot of the car to see if there was a dead body and see's that there is nothing in it.
By this time he was not looking to happy, what with the television cameras and the Press clicking away, and this bloke turns around and says to the Superintendent.
I bet she tells you next, that I was speeding and doing 120 miles an hour.
While visiting a newly initiated brother at home one day, the new brother's wife took me to one side and said her husband had started behaving very strange since joining.
I asked in what way?
She said that he locks himself in the toilet for hours on end mumbling to himself with his little blue book.
Later that evening I turned the talk to lodge, and asked him how he was getting on.
Oh fine was his reply.
I asked him about his behavior and if there was anything wrong.
No, was his reply.
So why read the book there?
Well he said "Its the only TYLED room in the house"....
A tired old mason whose hair was gray,
Came to the gates of Heaven one day,
When asked, what on earth he had done the most,
He said he had replied to the Visitors Toast.
St. Peter said, as he tolled the
Come inside my Brother you've had enough of Hell.
Bro. John and Bro. Mike are getting dressed and ready for a lodge meeting. When John takes his apron out of the case, Mike notices a pair of silk stockings unrolling and hanging out of the case.
Mike asks: "I say, John, what's this with the ladies stuff ?"
John gives a quick look and whispers: "You remember the installation meeting last year ?"
Mike acknowledges and John goes on: "Keep it a secret, but on the way home I stopped at the pub where I met this lovely woman. Apparently she lost her stockings in my car, and my wife found them. I told my wife I was passed to a higher degree, and ever since she takes 'm out of the case washes them and puts them back in with my gloves !"
It seems that another Mason, Master of his Lodge, went to Heaven and met with St. Peter.
He identified himself as a member of the Craft and St. Peter asked, "What Lodge?"
Proudly the Master replied, "Old Adage Lodge #1."
St. Peter immediately took him to the Masonic Clock Room. The Master, in puzzlement, looked around the room which was filled with clocks. Each clock had a Lodge's name on a brass plate and, strangely enough, each clock was at a different time.
He asked why and St. Peter informed him that the hands only moved when someone in that Lodge made a mistake in the Ritual.
The Master then asked where his Lodge's clock was as he couldn't see it.
St. Peter replied, "Why, it's in the kitchen, of course."
" The kitchen," said the Master?
" Yes, you see, we needed a new fan."
Pat & Bill had been Lodge Brothers for many years. They had promised each other that the first to go to the Grand Lodge above would return to tell the other whether there really were Lodges in Heaven and what they were like. By and by, it came to pass that Bill went first.
One day shortly after, Pat was working in his garden when he heard a whispered voice, " Pssst Pat!" He looked around but saw nothing.
A few moments later he heard, now quite clearly " Pat! Its me, Bill!"
" Bill" Pat exclaimed, " are you in Heaven?"
" Indeed I am" said Bill.
Pat paused for a while to get over the shock and then said "Well, Bill, are there Lodges up there in Heaven?"
" There certainly are, Pat. There are Lodges all over and they are quite magnificent, equal or better to
" My goodness, Bill," said Pat, "It certainly sounds very impressive but for all that you seem rather sad. Tell me old friend, what is the matter."
" Well, Pat, you are right. I have some good news and some bad."
" OK, so what's the good news?"
" The good news is that we are doing a 3rd this coming Wednesday"
" Great" said Pat. "What's the bad news then?"
" You're the Senior Deacon!
Q: How many Masons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw it in, one to read the minutes of the previous light bulb replacement, and one to sit on the sidelines and complain that this wasn't the way they USED to screw in light bulbs.
A new initiate returns home to his wife who is naturally curious to know what went on. The conversation goes something like this:
She) Well how'd it go ?
He) Very well - most interesting
She) What did go on ?
He) I'm not really sure if I can tell you about it.
She) Well is there anything you *can* tell me ?
He) Well it seems there are 3 classes of men in the Lodge -walkers, talkers and Holy men.
She) What do they do - if you can tell me ?
He) The walkers walked me around the lodge. The Talkers talked to me and to the walkers as I was led around ....
She) And the Holy men ? What of them ?
He) They seem to be a special class of men - all in dark blue and gold aprons and gauntlets. They just sit on the benches around the lodge with their heads in their hands chanting repeatedly - "Oh My God Oh My God !"
A man had been convicted of murder and was about to be hanged. Just before the sentence was executed, the hangman asked the man if he had any last words. "Yes" came his reply, "I hate Masons!" "Why do you hate Masons?" asked the hangman. "The man I killed was a Mason," explained the murderer, "the sheriff who hunted me down was a Mason, the Prosecutor who tried my case was a Mason, the Judge who presided at the trial was a Mason, and all of the men on the jury who found me guilty and said I should be hanged were Masons!" "Is that all?" asked the hangman, " "Yes" replied the convicted murder. "Then you will advance one step with your left foot."
A Mason was having trouble with his ritual, and was telling a fellow mason in a pub one day, and his friend said I know a bloke down the road who sells Parrots who know the ritual and prompt you when you have any trouble.
So the next day off he went to the shop, and the man said "yes I have three", he pulled a curtain across and there were 3 parrots, one with a master mason's apron on, one with a masters apron, and one with a grand lodge apron on.
The man said "how much is the one with the masters apron on."
" £2000.00 and he knows all the ritual including the inner workings, and will always prompt you when you get stuck."
" No", he said "to expensive", "what about the one with the MM apron on."
" Well, that one is £1,000.00 and he knows all the ritual, but not the inner workings, but will always prompt you when you learning it."
" No to much, what about the one with the grand lodge apron on."
" You can have him for £10.00."
" Why so cheap, he must know all the ritual and the inner workings?"
" Oh yes, he knows all the ritual, but when you make a mistake all he does is sit there and go, tut! tut! tut!!
Two experienced Master Masons were enjoying a flight in a hot air balloon when suddenly a thick cloud formed between them and the ground. Being without instruments, after half an hour they realized that they were well and truly lost.
A short time later there came across a large hole in the cloud and espied a gentleman below walking his dog across a field. They had time to exchange pleasantries and found that he too was a member of the Craft.
The chaps in the balloon inquired of him as to their location and received the reply, "About 200 feet up in a balloon." Just then the cloud closed the hole and they were alone again.
One turned to the other and said, " I bet he's the Secretary of his Lodge!"
" Why do you say that?", the other asked.
" Well what he has told us is absolutely true - but in our present predicament is totally useless!"
The Worshipful Master of our Lodge found a bottle with a Genie in it. In accordance with custom, the Genie offered to grant him a wish.
" OK," said the WM, "I've always wanted to go to
" I can't do that!!!" exclaimed the Genie. "Don't you know that's impossible? No Genie could do that. It's too far, the water is too deep, it's just totally beyond anybody's power. You will have to make another wish."
" OK," said the Master. "I wish that at our next Stated Meeting all the old PMs would just get along and not cause any trouble, not have to tell us how they did it their year, not complain about the ritual, not put down the current officers ... just sit on the sidelines and behave!"
" Hmmmmm," said the Genie. "Do you want that bridge with 2 lanes or 4??"
A Man unfortunatley dies & his wife thinks he has gone to heaven
She decides that she want to get in youch with him again and goes to see a medium
All is going well and the medium manages to get in touch and the woman begins a conversation with the man
He says, "you know how I couldnt eat brown bread whan I was alive, well I can now"
He says, "you know I didnt like to fly when we went on holiday, well I do now and you know how I could never swim when we were on holiday, well I can now"
His wife exclaims how lovely it sounds in heaven
He says " I' m not in heaven, I'm a duck on the canal at Garstang"
Man wants to get rid of his wife and hires Arti to kill her
He wants lots of money up front but Tom only has £1
Arti agrees and the man gives him the £1
Arti follows the woman to supermarket and chokes her in a corner
The Manager comes running up and Arti chokes him as well
Whilst all this is going on, the Security cameras are watching and the police are called
The man is arrested and the headlined in paper the following day are
"Arti chokes two for a pound at Sainsburys"
An Assistant Provincial Grand Master visited one of the Lodges in his group and was somewhat put out to find that the total number of Brethren there that night was 15, including himself and his three group officers.
At the end of the meeting, he spoke to the DC and complained about the small attendance saying:
" It really was a very poor turn-out for your monthly meeting tonight - you barely had a quorum. Were the Brethren aware that I was coming?"
" No," said the DC, "but I guess the news must have leaked out."